ava1on

 you know what im getting comfortable saying I hate you

 when I close my eyes tonight I'm lucid dreaming falling asleep to the image of your face and seeing where you take me

i used to value logic  then treasured emotion, both in full confidence  until i found myself avoiding both due to the inability to regulate  ill experiment with them together next perhaps engaging in one without the other shifts the scales disproportionately  truth cannot be found without embracing the entirety of all possibility  thereby, between ignorance and education balance is found and above that, freedom  or so it seems  life is truly just an everlasting experiment  hypothesis, examine, hypothesis, repeat   an exhausting but necessary piece of the human condition hope and purpose, emotion and logic 

My heart implodes from utter adoration like a child o bsessing with "love" hoping for a feeling, waiting and inviting the thought I dream of your face when fingers touch, it's nothing much lasting eye contact and a wink what am I supposed to think? I hold no risk, no deeper hurt no complications, just me and all of myself for that one moment but you lie through your silence and lie you do the most to yourself no boundaries you set and so I'm led to believe you're just a coward unless I'm in denial and you're solely hesitant to reject me or my delusions surely you know. in either case, what am I to think? what am I to know if you say nothing? am i the one lost in this scenario? or are you conflicted.... if the world had different rules would you speak to me? would you dare to even be my friend when I push and test you when i try to provoke your deepest thoughts even when you don't even know them yourself? let me love you as a friend or not and if neit...

I fall in love too easily though it's rare I must confess often does my heart feel warmth yet when it does, I do obsess "childish and immature just needing their attention" but no offense I find of their words that lack progression they don't see me nor know themselves so I'm used for their amusement  perhaps my crush will fade and they'll see my grand performance  acting on emotion and living as I please there are no rules or repercussions one day they'll feel at ease yes means yes, no means no i'll pursue it to the end desire and passion are all i know fueling  yet another conquest 

that snear so uncommon so suppressed  the anger is flowing a tear, one falls i now see the separation... the lies that led my life I am fiercely and violently angry and I'm learning to become comfortable with saying "I hate you"

I have no judgment  not even for myself I keep my eyes, my mind upon myself regardless of what I've been told my mind and heart are free not seeing sisters, brothers as enemies, controversies people, humans no different than me born of woman  doing their best to succeed life if only, is hard enough how could I give them more distrust if I take you, that's my truth I have no time to waste on you